It can be lonely here

photo by Michelle Rose Photo

New motherhood is isolating. It’s hours and hours spent alone with a newborn. Who is quite often crying. Or nursing. Or being held. Or needing to be held. Or played with. Or bathed. Or any combination of a million tiny things. Yes, there are those moments where things are amazing and sunshine and rainbows shoot out their butt and you both can’t contain your joy as fits of giggles and a thousand iPhone photos are had.

But those other moments? Those darker ones when you feel so alone and overwhelmed are there too. In this social media culture where we share the most perfect and edit moments of life we can too easily forget that those moments are simply that. Moments. Often staged and manipulated for likes and engagement. I admit I’ve done that too.

My lowest point thus far came around when Baby P was 8weeks old. We’d been out far too long that day but I had been enjoying myself talking to other adults and being charming (or so I hope I’d come off that way!). I even wore lipstick for the occasion. By the time we got home, P had been crying hysterically for over an hour with no end in site. Another 2 hours later and I was losing it. I hadn’t eaten dinner, desperately needed a shower (postpartum sweat + spit up is a gross combination) and was feeling defeated in a way I hadn’t yet felt. I agonized over finding and sterilizing a pacifier in the hopes that this small piece of plastic would be the secret to cure what ailed him.

When my husband eventually returned home (after a text that both the baby and I would be in tears when he returned) I begged him to take the baby for 5 mins so I could shower. The desperation was real. He asked why I hadn’t come home sooner and the next time I shouldn’t do so much. Daggers shot out my teary eyes. I felt like I was failing. Failing at everything mom related. I just wanted to hand baby over and melt down the shower drain. 

 raw, red and real.

A long cry in the shower and I stepped out to start the cycle of bouncing, rocking, swaying and simultaneously shushing the baby to sleep alone in our dark room.

Once I finally admitted to myself that I just may have a colicky baby, it got better the next day. And even better the next day. Sometimes I wonder if it was reaching this breaking point and surrendering that cleared the way or if his colossal meltdown was a developmental shift that lead to more ease. Who knows. I’m just thankful for it.

I’m also thankful for the community of friends, doulas and mom friends who are with me- via text, Instagram and phone calls. Those check ins and “me too”s help more than you may realize. To not feel so alone and to normalize these feelings is so helpful. The question of “is this hormonal?” Or questioning if it is indeed a postpartum mood disorder can be complex and confusing. What is normal after your life has been completely turned on it’s head is hard to distinguish.

Having support and a listening ear can go a long way. Build a supportive nest of helpers before your baby arrives. Connect with other expecting people who you can text at 2am when you’re up for yet another feeding session. I’m lucky to have so many friends having babies at the same time that I had Baby P that there was no shortage of text friends when I need to vent, cry, laugh, share or just simply know I’m not alone.

You’re not alone, mama. I hear you. I see you. I’m here with you.

If you do feel like you may have a postpartum mood disorder or aren’t sure, please take the Edinburgh Scale, speak to a professional (your care provider, a therapist) and/ or seek out a support group. If you’re in NYC, The Motherhood Center and The Seleni Institute are wonderful resources. 1 out of 5 new parents experience some sort of postpartum mood disorder within the first year after giving birth. There IS help available.

My Birth Story

​I wrote this on a Thursday, in the odd hours of the morning while I rock my son back to sleep. Thursday’s were important markers of time during my pregnancy. Thursday’s were when my gestational weeks rolled one into the next. Thursday was the day my cat died unexpectedly when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Thursday was the day I was induced at 39 weeks.

My son is nearing 8 weeks old. 8 weeks it has taken me to process my birth story and realize the particulars are not what matters. The exact details don’t need to be shared or even truly remembered in detail. What matters is this:

At the end of a wonderful and easy 39 week prenatal visit with my midwife Shar, baby’s heart rate and position were checked along with my fundal height and blood pressure. All normal. Except it wasn’t this time. My blood pressure was elevated. My midwife encouraged me to go to the hospital for additional monitoring so off we went a few hours later to Metropolitan Hospital. It continued to be elevated after several hours, even with meditation and relaxing music. The on staff midwife suggested I stay to be induced but I chose to sign myself out AMA. Soon after leaving, however, both of my midwives called to urge me to return. We discussed the risks involved with elevated blood pressure and what that meant for my planned home birth (it risked me out). After lots of tears on a long call with my doula, Lindsey, I ate dinner, packed a bag and returned to the hospital.

I had planned for an unmedicated birth at home. Even in all of my transfer scenarios I had not planned ahead for this one. Being a doula I knew that inductions could take a while. I came prepared with an eye mask, music, essential oils, and items for my birth altar.

My birth altar: essential oils for both energy and calming. Crystals for birth. Pictures of my cats, one of whom passed away 4 weeks prior. Mala and beads made from her ashes.

My story is a long one, and one I don’t think is necessary to share. The short version is this. It took 3 days for my son to be born. Labor didn’t follow a typical arc. It started and stopped over and over. My doula stayed with us almost the entire time. We labored during the intense moments and chatted or rested during the quiet ones. We ate guacamole and pita chips. I was obsessed with pineapple. The hospital had wireless monitoring and wonderful midwives who support physiological birth. They allowed me to be in my space without pressure and with respect to my choices. I declined routine cervical checks and IV fluids. I moved around, walking the hallways or rocking on my birth ball.

63 hours after arriving at the hospital, my son was born. Almost 2 hours of pushing and he came out face up (direct occiput posterior) and eyes wide open. He was a tiny little guy, 6.5lbs and 20” long. He latched for his first of many feeds in the first hour, after we both had some time to adjust to our change in conditions.

I’m so grateful to every midwife and nurse who supported me in my birth experience. I was continually respected and supported in every decision I made. And I was allowed to make my own educated and informed decisions without pressure, which was vital to me. There were tears and laughs. Somewhere along the way my mantra became the very unzen “fucking hell” that I repeated as each new contraction began in earnest.

Birth looked and felt like nothing I had ever imagined for myself. I had prepared for long. I had prepared for challenging. But I had not prepared for this. I’ve learned that no matter how prepared, healthy, fit, educated you are that birth happens how it happens.

Welcome baby boy! First latch

Nursing Bra Roundup

Boobs. Ta-ta’s. Breasts. Whatever you call them, they occupy a large part of your day if you’ve chosen to breastfeed. Even with my background in birth work, I was surprised to discover a few things along the way.

My first big learning curve was the mysterious sleep nursing bra. I had no idea I would need one prior to giving birth. The thought never occurred to me that I may leak milk and would need to wear nursing pads all of the time. These pads need to be kept in place somehow and that’s where the sleep bra comes into play. You basically will be wearing a bra unless showering if you have a copious milk supply like I do. The thing is, you just won’t know this until your milk comes in and regulates a bit after the first week. So buy at least one or two sleep bras before your little one arrives. My recommendation is Kindred Bravely cotton sleep bra. It’s soft, breathable and doesn’t scratch. My skin is very sensitive and I tried several others before coming to this one.

When buying nursing bras, size up at least a cup size or two from your pregnancy size. I know- that seems gigantic! But trust me, they keep getting bigger even if you thought your pregnancy size was insane. I went from a 32D pre pregnancy to a 32E during pregnancy and then a 32F or G while nursing. Things get kind of wild in this area. Forget the number/ letter and be comfortable. I recommend a proper bra fitting if you have access to. Not only will you be more comfortable with a proper fitting bra but you may also reduce the chance of blocked ducts as you won’t be pinched in all the wrong places and impede your milk flow. Give yourself the gift of a proper fitting and comfortable bra. My recommendation is Kindred Bravely Marvella Luxe . It’s wireless but supportive and can convert to a racer back.

And while you’re bra shopping, get one that you feel pretty in too. Because let’s face it, breastfeeding around the clock does not make one feel sexy. It does make you feel like a really tired cow though. So at least you can occasionally feel like the damn goddess you are in a Cosabella lacy bra that is also functional and pretty.

If you’re going to be working out/ wearing yoga pants while running errands, get the support you need with a nursing sports bra. I wear mine from Bravado basically half of the week and I’m not honestly working out that much. But a walk to the grocery store and back while carrying a big baby certainly counts as a workout in my opinion.

Oh and if you’re a pumping mama, add two hands free pumping bras. This can fit over your nursing bra and hold your pump flanges in place so you don’t have to do so manually. There’s no need to completely undress to put this on. Or, you can buy a nursing/ pumping bra like this one from The Dairy Fairy.

So, just a recap… You’ll need 4 types of bras and I’d suggest at least 2 of each depending on how often you’re doing laundry. (Daily? I’ve been pushing it to once or twice a week) Sleep bra to hold the breast pads in place to save you from a soaking bed, a good fitting every day bra that works well under a t shirt, a sexy little one, and a sports bra. Let me know what worked for you!

Pregnancy and Body Image

I shared my journey with The Bump about how this ever-changing body and acceptance has been a struggle during pregnancy for me. I've been quite private about keeping my two careers and identities separate during my doula work but during pregnancy, there was so much crossover with my model life that I couldn't help but share. I hope that this piece resonates with some of you and lets you know that you aren't alone and it's absolutely ok to not experience pure bliss all of pregnancy. 

---> Click HERE for the full story <--

Photography by Michelle Rose Sulcov

Dress and Jacket from Ingrid and Isabel

Gestational Diabetes Test Alternatives

Did you know that you don't have to drink the orange glucose drink for your gestational diabetes screening? I hear from many clients who tell me how unappealing the orange drink is. The test alone has the potential to bring anxiety and then they add this sugary, syrupy drink on top of that. 

Gestational diabetes (GD) screening typically happens between 24 and 28 weeks gestation. Your care provider may alert you ahead of time that you should not eat or drink for a period of time before the test. Once you 've had the sugar-laden beverage, your blood will be drawn about 30 minutes later and then tested for how well the body has processed the sugar.  

Why test for GD? For some people, diabetes can develop as a pregnancy symptom and resolve once pregnancy has ended. Gestational diabetes is often asymptomatic, meaning that you may not see or feel obvious signs of having developed diabetes. Diabetes in pregnancy can increase the risk of high birth weight babies (called macrosomia), jaundice, shoulder dystocia and preterm labor. Pre-eclampsia in the birthing person (high blood pressure) can also be an increased risk of GD. Pre-eclampsia symptoms can lead to more interventions such as induction of labor, the introduction of medications such as Magnesium, and Cesarean birth. Gestational diabetes typically resolves after birth. 

So back to the screening procedures. Many care providers and labs prefer the uniformity of the glucose drink but you do have choices. Some may be open to discussion about alternatives. I personally chose to drink 10 ounces of Welch's grape juice for my test. Others have used bananas, jelly beans, pancakes and orange juice. Doesn't that sound far more delicious than soybean oil and orange dye? 

As always, do your own research and speak with your care provider about what is the best choice for you and your baby. Because you always have choices!

Strength and Flow + Breastfeeding Basics

Join us Wednesday November 8th at 6pm for a fun workshop at FPC Soho. A 30 minute fun, pregnancy safe workout begins at 6pm followed by a 45 minute breastfeeding basics course. Learn the fundamentals of breastfeeding and have your questions answered by two doulas/ lactation counselors! Meet other expecting parents in a fun and supportive environment!

Sign up HERE at FPC NYC.

Mindfulness During Pregnancy

If you've been on social media, read a magazine, turned on the TV or just walked outside of your home in the last couple of years you probably have heard of the benefits of meditation and mindfulness practices. I live in NYC and just walking out of my apartment can be anxiety inducing with the noise, the crowds, the subway, and always running from one place to the next. Having a mindfulness practice in place allows me to keep my cool and remain calm. 

As a doula I often discuss visualizations and finding a way to go within to connect to yourself and with your baby. While scrolling through Instagram one day I discovered this wonderful website called Expectful. The site, and brand new app (!), has 10 and 20 minute guided meditations for all stages of pregnancy and into parenthood.  They have meditations for common topics that come up during pregnancy and even SLEEP! Who doesn't love that? 

Using a guided meditation app can help you to build your own meditation practice into your daily routine. I often find myself meditating on the subway, while sitting on a flight, and before going to bed. If 10 minutes seems like too much, just start with 1 minute. That's only 60 seconds! You have time for that. 

(Image credit: Expectful.com)

Pregnancy Tips: Used York City

Jessica of Used York City is a Doulight NYC mama.  On her blog she shares her 9 essentials for surviving pregnancy.  Jessica and her husband were such wonderful clients, and it was an honor to witness their transition from a family of 2 to 3.

Read more about her tips for pregnancy (and beyond) here.  (Seriously check out her blog. It's full of awesome things to do/eat/ see in NYC. I check it out often to see what's happening in NYC)