Of all of the hotly debated parenting topics I think sleep training takes the prize for being at the top of the list. To sleep train or not to sleep train. If you’re expecting or have a newborn it’s likely that you’ve received (unsolicited) advice that you absolutely must or must not sleep train. Someone probably has told you that it’s the only way to do it. Someone else probably told you that you’re emotionally scarring your baby for life. How could something so humanly essential be so debated? What’s a sleep deprived parent to do?
A bit about me. I was firmly in the “I’m never going to sleep train and I’m going to co sleep until my kid goes to college” camp. Was I being dramatic? Yes. But I definitely had no plans to sleep train, gentle or otherwise. But a year in and I felt like I was cracking. I saw my doctor and insisted on getting a full blood panel because what I was feeling must have certainly been due to a deficiency somewhere. His recommendation? Get more sleep. Cool, dude. Tell that to my baby. It is absolutely useless to tell a new, nursing parenting to get more sleep and they will feel better. (Also can we talk about how real conversations about PPMADs are not being had at most doctors offices???? 1 in 5 new moms experience a postpartum mood disorder and in all likelihood it is even higher. Care providers have a duty to have these conversations and they just aren’t happening in a real way.).
So I went home feeling defeated. I researched, read, talked to friends and found a sleep training program that seemed to offer the most gentle but sound approach to sleep training. I’d already tried slowly making space between me and the baby, talking him through our nighttime routine, and a host of other gentle approaches that didn’t work for us. Months of attempts and I was at the point where I needed real change.
I chose the Taking Cara Babies method. I paid my money for the course, joined the Facebook groups, read the booklet cover to cover and prepared his room to begin. I wanted my husband to be part of the process so we chose to begin on a Friday night. I also had several births coming up and was seriously stressed about leaving in the middle of the night and wanted him sleeping through on his own by then. And so we began.
That first night was the worst. Out of 11 hours spent in the crib, my son cried for 9 1/2. I’d never met him cry without soothing him before so this was the hardest. He sobbed uncontrollably for 3 1/2 hours before passing out. For 20 minutes. Then started crying again. He was so exhausted that he fell asleep standing and holding the crib railing. Somehow we made it until morning. I won’t give you a play by play but I can tell you this, he is a strong willed kid and did not give up the fight. Ever. I followed the plan. Eventually after weeks of sticking with it I have a bit and would sit with him on the floor in the dark holding his hand until he fell asleep. Then try to creep away only to be outed by creaky floors and doors. Sometimes he slept the whole night through. Until 5/5:30.
Those early mornings were brutal! I’ve never been a morning person and waking up before sunrise is not my ideal way to start the day. I was downing 2 spicy chai oat milk lattes before 7am. We made the best of the summer and went for early morning walks to see dogs and get croissants. But after some summer travels, jet lag, and too many disruptions to our “plan” we decided to reset and restart the sleep training in earnest in September.
Night 1 of the restart was 3 1/2 hours straight of crying. I mentioned that this kid is strong willed? He’s an Aries. With Aries in 5 planets. Strong. Willed.
Night 2 he was about 30 minutes into crying when we saw him signing “help”. We cracked. Both my husband and I decided that was that and went in to get him and never looked back.
I kept reminding myself of our “why” (to get more sleep and space and in turn more mental sanity) but I came to realize that this just wasn’t the way for us. Sleep training definitely works for some people. I have countless friends who swear by it. But I found myself anxious at night anyway, always checking the monitor and never sinking into a deep and restful sleep for fear of missing something urgent. And the early mornings didn’t leave me feeling rested. The days when we bed shared on vacation felt more right for us and so we went back to it. It’s been months now and I still feel exhausted but I’m less anxious and more comfortable with our current arrangement. I also know that we can change if should we desire.
Parenting choices don’t have a one size fits all solution and it’s ok to think you know exactly what you need and then change your mind. We are doing our best, figuring it out one step at a time with a bucketload of mistakes and heaps of grace. If you came here hoping I would tell you whether to sleep train or not and the exact plan you should follow to get your baby sleeping 7-7 like “everyone else’s” baby, then you’re out of luck. I scoured the internet too searching for the perfect answer. And in the end just had to take a leap of (heavily researched) faith. Then pivot.
